Töre (The Virgin Spring)

Ahhh, Swedes. The bastard children of wild Scandinavia. For when it comes to images of brutal viking slaughter, most people are quick to bring up images of the Norse (Erik the Red) or even the Danes (...um...Hamlet?), but rarely do they even consider the possible badassery of the easy going Swedish people.

That's a mistake.

Here's the thing: yes, science has proven that the Swedish people are an easy going, peace loving people, always at the ready with a piping hot mug of hot chocolate. But if you look closely, the reverse corrollary is also true. A corrollary that hides almost too easily in the long arctic nights of the Swedish landscape: if you cross a Swede, prepare to get cut.

A veritable two-man wrecking team, Ingmar Bergman and Max Von Sydow spent a good number of years proving this precise subset of Swedish anthropological study. In one corner you have Von Sydow, a block of Swedish marble. Indomitable against the elements, more of a granite wall than a man, and feared by Death itself. When Von Sydow speaks, his words consist solely of the blood of his enemies. In the other corner you have Bergman, the only living man who was able to fully contain the power of Von Sydow and channel it into the moving image. Having already seemingly reached the pinnacle of their collaboration with "The Seventh Seal" a scant three years earlier, these men dared lightning to strike twice. And strike it did.

In "The Virgin Spring," Von Sydow plays Töre, the tactiturn patriarch of a small medieval farming community. He thinks today is going to be one of those miracle days where the sun shines its brightest, the crops grow their tallest, and his daughter does not get raped and murdered by a roving band of sheep herding thugs. Unluckily for Töre, there's no prize for two out of three. You see, much like in the recent re-remake "Last House on the Left," Töre's pure/virgin daughter is indeed beset by such a roving band of thugs, wherin they have their way with her and then club her to death with a club. Thinking they've gotten away scot free with their evil pursuits, the rapists come across Töre's farm community, not knowing it was his daughter with whom they have just brutally had their way. In this classic poweder keg situation, you have Töre, who realizes what these men have done when he finds his daughter's clothes among their belongings, and the idiot rapists (two young men and their ten-year old brother).

Question: What's a wronged Swede to do?

Answer: Amazing feats of revenge mixed together with just the right amount of cold-blooded murder. A classic recipe!

Portraits of Badassery is now proud to present a step by step guide to Ritualistically Avenging Your Daughter's Death in the Most Awesomely Norse Way Possible:

.Step 1: Find a nearby birch tree and wrestle with it until you have literally pulled it out of the ground.

While most seekers of vengance might think to hew down the tree with a conveniently located axe or short sword, this in fact a common mistake. By proving yourself superior in hand to hand combat with even nature itself, you have all but proven that no other man is anywhere close to being a match for you. Bonus points for picking a birch tree in the most desolate landscape possible.

.Step 2: With a careful eye, hew as many branches from the birch tree as possible and fashion them into a cat o' nine tails. Whip yourself repeatedly with this instrument, fully nude, in the nearest bathhouse available. Fact: Not only are you repenting for the bloody sins you are about to commit, you are also toughening up your body for any damages it might take in the ensuing melee. This is exactly the type of synergy you'll need to adequetely take on a band of depraved monsters.

.Step 3: Now fully dressed in your resplendent Swedish murder wardrobe, silently enter the dining hall where the murderers are sleeping. Be careful not to wake them up (yet), as you'll want to enjoy the time readying your "butcher knife," the one covered top to bottom with ritualistic demon iconography, in your handmade badass chair seemingly made from five seperate redwood trees. Since you are doing God's work, you'll want to wait precisely until dawn to actually strike. Another two-fold reason here: not only will you be bathing your transgressors in the forgiving light of the Lord, you'll also be able to see better as you are repeatedly stabbing with your giant hell blade. No need to waste your energy stabbing thin air!

.Step 4: Feel free to enact your bloody bloody revenge as necessary!


Honestly, what makes this film work so well is the perfect slow-burn Bergman creates. When the flame finally reaches the powder inside the keg, it is quick, dirty and so very thrilling. Of course, it doesn't hurt that Von Sydow dispatches his victims in the most badass ways possible. The first guy get pinned against the wall with a huge dining table and then repeatedly stabbed in the neck with the devil knife. Awesome. The second guy gets burned alive on the cooking pit in the center of the room. In an especially badass display, Von Sydow holds his perp over the flame at the expense of his own hands, badly burning them in the process. And then, we're left with the ten year old kid. Now, I know what you're thinking: in a typical scenario, the kid repents for the sins he took part in and then the hero forgives him and maybe adopts him to make sure he's raised in a good home, right? Unfortunately, in this scenario, the ten year old kid messed with the wrong Swede. In what is arguably the best moment in the film, the kid is looking at Von Sydow with these blubbery repentant eyes, and Von Sydow grabs the kid over his head and throws him full force against the nearest wall, killing him. Amazing. So cold blooded, without an ounce of remorse (see, Von Sydow already repented with the whole birch flogging ritual, so it's cool, right?).

As the film comes to a close, Töre promises to build a church on the spot where his daughter died (just to definitely make sure he was in the clear for all that messy revenge business, I suppose) and everyone learns a valuable lesson: it's always better to cross the Danes. Really, as far as cinematic revenge sequences go, there's no better place to visit than "The Virgin Spring."


Badassery Quotient: 261%

What It Would Take For Me To Fuck With Him/Her: The destruction of all the world's birch trees, for a start.